Monday, August 7, 2017

Half Assed Vegan?

Guys, we need to talk.

Something happened.

On Friday night, I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, watching YouTube videos, and avoiding my homework like any other self-respecting college student with no social life. All of a sudden, out of the blue, this video popped up as a commercial, and I don't know what the heck I was thinking, but I sat there and watched all five minutes of this commercial:

I'm still not okay, guys.

I couldn't sleep on Friday night. For a couple of months I'd been effectively silencing the tiny voice in the back of my head that was like "Dude, you know where cheese comes from. What are you doing?" Mostly, I silenced it by eating a lot of cheese.

But not after this video. Seriously. I got into bed and stared at the ceiling. I tried to sleep. I failed. This video kept gnawing at me, horrible image after horrible image running through my head. I felt guilty and angry and sad, and I spent the night seriously considering my life choices.

I do not want to be a vegan. I'm getting that out in the open right now. I do not want to be a vegan. Vegans are crazy. Vegans are elitist and unreasonable and they just don't understand what a perfect, heavenly creation macaroni and cheese is. Also fettuccine alfredo. And cake. I have been a vegetarian for twelve years for exactly two reasons: meat seriously grosses me out, and I do not want to be a vegan.

Vegan resistance aside, I stopped using eggs a while back. A pretty long while back. Years, actually. My rule was that I avoided eggs I could see. I wasn't reading packaging or boycotting desserts that might have eggs in them, but I stopped buying eggs, baking with eggs, and eating eggs as a standalone thing. I also started buying almond milk instead of dairy milk at least 80% of the time. I don't know why. It just happened.

But I really, really do not want to be a vegan. might be happening. For the last two days, I have avoided eating all animal products. I haven't known what to do with myself, but I've succeeded in eating like a vegan for 48 hours.

I bought some nutritional yeast and a thing of eggless mayo.

But this does not mean I'm vegan, guys. Not yet. It just means that I'm having some serious issues about food and I need to keep thinking.

The good news?

These new, limited edition Dunkin Donuts (learn to spell, people) Mocha Oreos are the freaking bomb.

And they're egg, milk, and animal free. Just to help me think.