Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Wild White Nacho Doritos....the sad albino of snack foods

Guys, I have sad news.

It turns out I'm a little bit racist.

Yeah, I know. I'm ashamed of me too.

It's just that....well....

I tried the albino Doritos.

And I didn't like them.

They kinda sucked.

And I'm not saying that just because they're white. I'm sure there are some great white chips out there. I'm sure that a white chip could be just as good as a neon orange nacho cheese chip....but these ones aren't.

First of all, these things are having an identity crisis to begin with. Wild White Nacho? Like, seriously? How is "Wild white nacho" a thing? I don't even know which word to focus on. They're wild. So, spicy? White. Does that mean 'can't dance'? Or like, still and quiet and calm like the arctic? And then you add nacho? I tell you one thing for sure, this is NACHO favorite chip. Get it? Get it? Nacho favorite chip? I'm so funny.

Whatever the hell these things are trying to be, it sure isn't a Dorito. You know how you bite into a Dorito and it's all, "CHEESE! SPICY! CRUNCH!"? These are more like, "Oh, why, hello. Crunch. Observe the hints of hidden flavor. Crunch. OOH, CHEESE! No, wait, nevermind, now it's gone." I don't know about you, but that sounds like a boring ass chip to me.

You know, I am not entirely unconvinced that these weren't just some massive mistake somewhere along the Dorito assembly line. Like, maybe the dude who was in charge of inserting the neon orange flavor substance took a sick day, and his backup dude was too busy checking out the hot chick in the Cutting Into Triangles Department that he forgot to add the orangeness. And then maybe the dude who adds the cheesiness fell asleep and accidentally sprayed all these cheese particles onto the ceiling as he was falling backwards in his chair. And then, instead of the shift manager scrapping all the mutant chips and starting over, he called up Marketing and told them to send down a new bag for the albino chips he created. And then he got a raise for his great efforts in innovation.

Yes. I think that story is entirely plausible.

Anywho, however these happened or whyever they happened, they suck. Skip them. You want some Doritos? Buy a bag of Doritos. You want something that looks like a Dorito and tastes like supreme awesomeness? Buy a bag of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos. You want an enormous collection of  useless off-white triangles? Let me know. I'll send you the rest of my bag.