Friday, August 15, 2014

I Ate All the Skittles

All I wanted yesterday was doughnuts and a nap, so when I got home, I sent my roommate out for doughnuts and then I took a nap. That would have been the end of that, but while I was trying to decide what kind of doughnuts I wanted, I remembered the gas station also sold Skittles so I asked my roommate to please go buy me all the doughnuts and all the Skittles. Today we're going to be eating all the Skittles together, mostly because the doughnuts are all gone. (I'm not PMSing, I swear.)

Now, apparently the good ol' Skittles in the red bag aren't cool enough anymore, so we have three new kinds to try: Tropical Skittles, Sour Skittles, and Wild Berry Skittles.

Pile of Original Skittles, Sour Skittles, Tropical Skittles, and Wild Berry Skittles.

Let's start with a brief rant about green Skittles, shall we? First of all, the Original bag of Skittles used to come with five flavors: lemon, orange, strawberry, grape, and lime. It still comes with five flavors, but now they're lemon, orange, strawberry, grape, and green apple. Who the heck approved this decision? I was certainly not consulted in this matter. Lime Skittles were my favorite. Because they were the best. So what does Skittles do? They go and replace the delicious Lime Skittle with some cheapass crappy "sour apple" Skittle. WTF, Skittles? Like, seriously? AND, as if sour apple Skittles weren't bad enough, they make these newfangled Wild Berry Skittles and make the green one "melon berry" flavored. What the hell is a melon berry? Is it a melon? Is it a berry? No one knows! What I do know is that it's disgusting. Pure, utter, undeniable repulsion in a green candy coating. Why, Skittles? Why?

Now that I have that off my chest, let's talk about the flavors.

Bag of Original Skittles

After I ate some of the regular Skittles (and discovered the green one was an imposter), I dove into the Wild Berry Skittles.

Bag of Wild Berry Skittles

The Wild Berry Skittles come in five flavors: raspberry, strawberry, wild cherry, berry punch and the evil ever-dreaded melon berry. This bag is a little weird, and I feel like each flavor requires its own kind of mental preparation before you pop it in your mouth, which severely lessens the snackability of this particular Skittles collection. For example, the wild cherry one tastes like medicine. Straight up, not kidding, 100% cherry cold medicine. Minus the menthol. Then you flip over to a strawberry Skittle, and that just tastes like a normal Skittle, but it's in the very berry bag of Skittles, so its strawberryness is seemingly heightened and you have to ask yourself if this is merely an illusion designed by marketing geniuses or if the thing actually tastes more strawberry-y than a regular strawberry Skittle. (These are the kinds of questions that keep me awake at night.) After those two, you get to a raspberry Skittle which is so faintly flavored you're not entirely sure if this is a new Skittle at all or just the remnants of the last six Skittles stuck in your teeth. And then, after all that, you get to the melon berry. And you spit it out. Because it is disgusting. And nobody knows what a melon berry is, and that's mildly concerning.

Tropical Skittles spilling out of bag.

Next up in the taste test was the bag of Tropical Skittles. They come in Banana Berry (which should really be in the berry collection, don't you think?), Kiwi Lime (because apparently Mr. Skittle has a problem with regular lime), Mango Tangelo (my new stripper name), strawberry starfruit (what is a starfruit????), and Pineapple Passionfruit (which, by the way, is inexplicably blue). I started off with a Pineapple Passionfruit, because it was blue and pretty and Pineapple Passionfruit is fun to say. Go on, try it. It's the most enjoyment you'll ever get from a Pineapple Passionfruit Skittle. That is because Pineapple Passionfruit Skittles are terrible. I'm not sure exactly what they taste like (pineapple and/or passionfruit, presumably), but whatever it is, it is not tasty. After I chugged an entire glass of water and attempted to regain my composure, I tried a Banana Berry Skittle, because I was assuming it would be sweet and mellow like a banana flavored Runt or perhaps a banana popsicle. It wasn't. It tasted like licking a school bus that was just was pulled out of a sinkhole filled with toxic waste. After those two delightful experiences, I didn't bother with the Mango Tangelo or Kiwi Lime or Strawberry Starfruit, because, really, after all that, we're just lucky I didn't try to scrape off all my tastebuds.

Bag of Sour Skittles

Finally, we have the Sour Skittles. These come in all the same flavors as the Original Skittles (minus my beloved lime), but they're coated in a thick, sticky layer of acidic crystals. Honestly, I think they were probably my favorite of all four bags. And, as much as I hate to admit it, the sour green apple ones were good. Really good. Freaking delicious, in fact. I wish that was the only flavor in the bag because I would absolutely positively definitely buy them all the time. All the other flavors in the bag were pretty okay (except for maybe the sour grape, because that had bad juju written all over it from the beginning), but the sour green apple ones....dude, that's what I'm talking about.

Closeup of Sour Skittles

What are your thoughts on all these wacky Skittles? Did you know about the banishment of lime? And, is your stripper name as awesome as mine? I doubt it....

7 comments:

  1. I like the tropical and the regular... I cannot do sour.

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    1. The regular ones will always be a classic. You can't mess with a good thing.

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  2. I'm not big on Skittles at all. Honestly, I'm more of a Starburst girl, and pinks and reds are for SURE the best!

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    1. Agreed! Red Starbursts are awesome!

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  3. You are right the Wild Berry is absolutely dreadful. I spat each and every skittle out bit now I'm regretting buying a big pack 😡 .

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    Replies
    1. I know! Terrible! Why go mess with a good thing...

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  4. I've just installed iStripper, and now I can watch the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.

    ReplyDelete