The other day I was pumping gas, minding my own business, when I heard someone calling my name, all soft and seductive-like. Naturally, I was confused, because who the hell would try to seduce this hot mess? But then I saw it. From across the parking lot, glinting in the sun, the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie beckoned me from a lamppost ad.
I decided, right then and there, that if the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie wanted me, I wasn't going to let it down. I marched into the gas station and ordered one up. (On the touch screen, because Sheetz is fancy like that.)
Fluffer Nutter Smoothie in hand, I settled in at a table to enjoy this decadent treat gazing up at me with irresistible bedroom eyes. (Also, Sheetz has tables. Because Sheetz is awesome.)
I hungrily took my first sip of this Fluffer Nutter Smoothie. As it turns out, the seductive Fluffer Nutter Smoothie, like all the lying, cheating dirtbags that seduced me before it, was full of shit. Figuratively, at least. I didn't drink enough of it to decide if it was literally shitty. But it could have been.
All the Fluffer Nuttery goodness I was promised was nowhere to be found. All I could taste was peanut butter. No fluff. No creaminess. No lovingly-placed banana slices. Just liquified peanut butter. Even that delightful caramel drizzle turned out to be nothing but congealed peanut butter snot. I took a good three or four sips and then threw that liar away.
Now, there is a chance that maybe, just maybe, if you really love peanut butter, you might like this. But you'd really have to love peanut butter. Like, take peanut butter to Vegas and marry peanut butter and have little peanut butter babies and live peanut butterly ever after, and nobody should love peanut butter that much.
Don't get me wrong; I love Sheetz. Sheetz is a magnificent place. I firmly believe that anyone who doesn't have a Sheetz should move immediately because life without Sheetz can't really be called life at all. But when you do get here and make your maiden voyage to Sheetz, skip the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie. Get the deep fried macaroni and cheese instead.