Thursday, May 29, 2014

Sheetz Fluffer Nutter Smoothie Review

The other day I was pumping gas, minding my own business, when I heard someone calling my name, all soft and seductive-like. Naturally, I was confused, because who the hell would try to seduce this hot mess? But then I saw it. From across the parking lot, glinting in the sun, the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie beckoned me from a lamppost ad.

View of Sheetz Gas Station from Accross the Street

I decided, right then and there, that if the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie wanted me, I wasn't going to let it down. I marched into the gas station and ordered one up. (On the touch screen, because Sheetz is fancy like that.)

Sheetz MTO Touch Screen Ordering System

Fluffer Nutter Smoothie in hand, I settled in at a table to enjoy this decadent treat gazing up at me with irresistible bedroom eyes. (Also, Sheetz has tables. Because Sheetz is awesome.)

I hungrily took my first sip of this Fluffer Nutter Smoothie. As it turns out, the seductive Fluffer Nutter Smoothie, like all the lying, cheating dirtbags that seduced me before it, was full of shit. Figuratively, at least. I didn't drink enough of it to decide if it was literally shitty. But it could have been.

Sheetz Fluffer Nutter Smoothie on Table

All the Fluffer Nuttery goodness I was promised was nowhere to be found. All I could taste was peanut butter. No fluff. No creaminess. No lovingly-placed banana slices. Just liquified peanut butter. Even that delightful caramel drizzle turned out to be nothing but congealed peanut butter snot. I took a good three or four sips and then threw that liar away.

Now, there is a chance that maybe, just maybe, if you really love peanut butter, you might like this. But you'd really have to love peanut butter. Like, take peanut butter to Vegas and marry peanut butter and have little peanut butter babies and live peanut butterly ever after, and nobody should love peanut butter that much.

Don't get me wrong; I love Sheetz. Sheetz is a magnificent place. I firmly believe that anyone who doesn't have a Sheetz should move immediately because life without Sheetz can't really be called life at all. But when you do get here and make your maiden voyage to Sheetz, skip the Fluffer Nutter Smoothie. Get the deep fried macaroni and cheese instead.

Sheetz Deep Fried Macaroni and Cheese Bite Close Up

Monday, May 26, 2014

Memorial Day Food Porn

Memorial Day Food Spread including burgers, macaroni salad, and iced tea.

Yesterday my roommate and I had our own personal Memorial Day cookout. It was delicious. We dined on macaroni salad....

Giant Bowl of Homemade Macaroni Salad corndogs....

Plate of mini Morning Star veggie corndogs


Two burgers cooking on the grill


Plate of sliced cucumbers and tomatoes

....fruit salad....

Bowl of homemade fruit salad

....and washed it all down with iced tea.

Glass of iced tea

Now, I would love to tell all of you exactly how to recreate this mind-blowingly stupendous meal for yourselves, but my roommate's mother is guarding her macaroni salad recipe with her life, and the fruit salad is my Grammarie's secret recipe, which I am not ready to spread all over the internet. Maybe someday.

Plate of food, bowl of fruit salad, and glass of iced tea.

If you want, I can teach you all how to microwave fake corndogs. Anybody? No? Okay.

Inside Morning Star Vegetarian Corndogs

After dinner we played a highly competitive round of Velcro Ball, which I totally won. Not that we were keeping score or anything, but I totally won. I didn't hurt my shoulder being a showoff at all. Nope. Not me.

Green and purple Velco Ball set

When we were done playing Velcro Ball, we watched the neighborhood bunnies and attempted to admire our peonies without detecting their stench. This is harder to do than one would think. If you don't believe me, I'd be more than happy to send you a bouquet.

Hot Pink Peony Flower Close Up

I am also happy to report that my neighbors got into the holiday spirit and finally mowed their lawn. Whoever had 1pm Sunday in our lawn mowing bet wins five fictitious dollars.

Very tall grass next to short grass

(This is the "before" picture, not the "after," I promise.)

I hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend and used it as an excuse to drink all the iced tea your bladder could hold. I did.

How does your family celebrate Memorial Day? Let me know about your traditions in the comments!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Best Ever Southern Sweet Tea

I usually try not to advertise that I was born on the wrong side of the Dixie line, but no matter how hard I try, my love of sweet tea gives me away time and time again. Where I come from (there's cornbread and chicken) you can find a church dinner every weekend, and I can guarantee there will be two gigantic drink tanks--one for sweet tea and one for "unsweet" tea. (The fact that "unsweet" is a fully acceptable word tells you how close I live to West Virginia.) "Unsweet" tea is utterly repulsive but is the standard beverage order for all your diabetics and dieters. Sweet tea is the best beverage ever. Well, except for chocolate milk and maybe this. Today I'm going to show you how to make a perfect pitcher of southern sweet tea.

First, find some tea. I buy cheap tea because if I bought expensive tea I'd go bankrupt in about a week and a half. I also buy caffeine-free tea because I'd rather not be mistaken for the Energizer bunny. You can get whatever kind of tea you like, but good ol' Lipton is pretty standard.

Next thing you do is boil four cups of water.

While your water is boiling, take twelve teabags out of their pouch. I like to destring my teabags, too, because somehow I think the ink on the tea tag is going to poison me, despite the fact that I chewed on notebook paper when I was a kid. This is a completely unnecessary step for the sane.

When your water is boiling, take it off the heat, add a pinch of baking soda (the secret ingredient--and yes, just a pinch), and toss in your teabags. Cover the pan and let it sit for 20 minutes.

When your timer goes off, fish out your teabags, pour your uber-strong tea into a one-gallon pitcher and add your sweetener. The original recipe calls for 1 1/2 cups of sugar, but that's waaaaaay a lot. Start with one cup and work your way up or down from there. Once you're addicted you'll have to switch to zero-calorie sweetener to prevent yourself from becoming gargantuan; and believe me, you will be addicted.

Here's the sneaky bit: Because nobody can wait all day for an ice-cold glass of sweet tea, speed up the process by dumping a crapton of ice into the pitcher and swirling it around until it melts. Top off the rest with chilled water and serve immediately over ice or store in the fridge.

Now that you have your perfect pitcher of sweet tea, serve it up on your front porch and soak in the summer. Everybody will think you're a gen-u-ine Georgia peach, bless your heart.

I linked up with Eat Drink & Be Mary for Delicious Dish Tuesday and the Orchard Girls for What We Eat Wednesday. Go check them out!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Rice Krispie Treats and More Poop Jokes

Due to the wild popularity of my Poop Muffin Recipe that took the internet by storm and landed me literally dozens of views and a Lifetime movie deal, I thought it was about time I graced you with another post riddled with poop jokes. Yaknow, just in case you were having a shitty day and needed some cheering up.

Instead of muffins, today we'll be making everybody's favorite cereal snack: Rice Krispie Treats! Yaaaaaay! Except that instead of just making Rice Krispie treats (because that would be boring), we're going to make three different super-awesome batches of Rice Krispie Treats. The first batch we'll be making are the "Crackle" treats.

I've always felt like Crackle was the leader of the bunch, possibly because of alphabetical order, but also probably because I like the word crackle. Therefore, I have definitively decided that regular Rice Krispies are Crackle's contribution to the snacking realm.

In case you've been living under a rock and are unfamiliar with the Rice-Krispie-making process, I'ma show you how it's done.

First you melt 1/4 cup of butter, all slow-like so it doesn't burn.

Then you melt 4 cups of mini marshmallows into the melted butter, also all slow-like so it doesn't burn.

Once you have an ooey gooey mess of sugar, dump in 5 cups of Rice Krispies and stir.

Line a pan with parchment paper or buttered tin foil or your credit card bill and squish the warm Rice Krispie goop into the pan. You might want to stick your hand inside a plastic bag before you do the squishing. You might also want to accidentally forget to stick your hand inside a plastic bag before you do the squishing and just eat the stuff that gets stuck to your fingers. (Anyone who watches Dirty Jobs should read this paragraph again and think about Mike Rowe sticking his hand in things and squishing them.)

After all that's done, let it cool for a while and cut it up. Or squirt some whipped cream on top and eat it all yourself. That is also an option.

Now that we've made (and eaten) all of Crackle's Rice Krispie Treats and you've been schooled in the art of Rice Krispie Treat making, it's time to move onto Snap.

Snap, of course, makes Rice Krispie treats with Cocoa Krispies, and for this connection to work I need all of you to imagine a black chick doing the head-waggle thing and going, "Oh snap!" (To anyone offended by that slightly racist joke, please accept my apologies and free Rice Krispie treat, available soon in a Smellavision near you.)

Snap's Rice Krispies are made just like Crackle's Rice Krispies. You melt, you stir, you squish, you eat. Easy peasy.

(Aw crap. I am now the dorky blogger who said easy peasy on the internet. So much for my Lifetime movie.)

At this point, some of you have probably noticed I just showed lumpy brown stuff and didn't make nearly as many off-color wisecracks as you were expecting, especially considering the lumpy brown stuff appears to be covered in a semi-questionable white substance. Worry no more! Now that we've gotten Snap and Crackle's treats out of the way, it's time for Poop's!

(Snap, Crackle, Pop? Pop. Poop. Get it? Hahaha, I'm so clever! *cough*)

Observe: Grape Nut Krispies!

No shit! You saw them here first! Tell your friends! We're going to take that classic sugar-laden, rot-your-teeth, give-you-ADD snack bar and make it into a healthy treat even your grandma would approve!

In case you haven't been initiated yet, allow me to explain to you that Grape Nuts are one of the most versatile pieces of crushed up gravel man has discovered! They're full of protein and fiber (yaknow, for the pooping) and help build strong jaw muscles. Also, Grape Nuts are dentist approved and if you turn in ten or more Grape Nut box tops at your next dental appointment, they'll fix your fractured tooth for half price! (Prices and participation may vary. Ask your dentist for more information about his Nuts.)

You can make these treats just like the previous two variations, but be careful not to breathe too deeply when pouring in the cereal because you might inhale a Grape Nut pebble and if that gets lodged up your nose it will disintegrate and quickly make its way into your bloodstream which will cause you to start pooping before you can finish pressing these shit bricks into the pan. Stay alert and don't forget to use protection. Unexpired protection.

If Grape Nut Krispies aren't your thing, you can always make like The Other Woman and sprinkle a generous helping of Miralax into regular Rice Krispies for similar results; just make sure you stock up on the Charmin first.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a Mamrie Hart tribute:

Now that you've made your delicious Rice Krispie treats, reread this and eat one every time I make a terrrrible poop joke.

(By the way, just to clear up any lingering suspicion that may be floating around on the internets, I do not have a fiber issue. I just like poop jokes. And wiener jokes. And pretty much anything else that would deeply offend my mother.)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Brand Wars: Ketchup

Ketchup is the greatest vegetable known to mankind. It has a multitude of uses, including topping hamburgers, smothering fries, and coating weiners. Heck, in some parts of the country we serve it up for breakfast with a side of eggs and some toast. (This is the American variation of the classic British breakfast--we just replace the fried tomato with ketchup and toss it down on a sticky diner table next to some day-old black coffee.)

Since ketchup is such an integral part of US culture, my roommate and I took it upon ourselves to determine which ketchup rises above all the others and proves itself to be king of condiments.

We started by rallying up three different kinds of ketchup:



...and knockoff, courtesy of Walmart.

First of all, I'd like to inform you that based on packaging alone, Hunts takes the cake. (I do not, however, recommend putting ketchup in cake. That would turn into a whole Rachel-Green's-Thanksgiving-Trifle incident and the story would rival even that of my F-Bomb Cake.) The Heinz packaging is not only upside-down and neckless, but it has recently been equipped with a fart nozzle that makes lots of...entertaining...noises as you squeeze. The Great Value brand, while quite similar to the Hunts bottle, has a stubborn inner freshness seal and the label was on the flimsier side. Ten million Whose Line is it Anyway points to Hunts.

Luckily for you (and my word count) this contest isn't really about packaging. It's about flavor, and let me tell you, this was a tasty test.

My roommate and I whipped out the deep frier and dunked fresh, steamy fries into three different dishes of ketchup, carefully analyzing each one. Our initial impression was that they all tasted like ketchup, which is a good thing, but we had to take our time and eat as much ketchup as necessary to detect the individual nuance of each brand. This is a hardship I am willing to endure for you lovely blog readers. You're welcome.

A and B were definitely the tangier of the group and were unnervingly similar.

C was notably thinner than A or B and offered a milder flavor. We decided it was inferior to the others and took it off the table.

This left us with contenders A and B, side by side, battling it out. We dipped and we dunked and we swished and we spit. (Not really. That would be a waste of perfectly good ketchup.) Finally, after much deliberation, we came to our conclusion.

While the differences were almost imperceptible, we liked the lingering tangy punch left by contestant A and declared it the greatest ketchup of all time.

Then we revealed which one it was.

Are you ready for this?

Yes, that's right. The best ketchup of them all is mega-cheap knockoff ketchup from Walmart. Imagine my roommate's surprise when he discovered the very ketchup he had scolded me for purchasing beat out his beloved Heinz ketchup in a head to head competition that has been known to tear families and even nations apart.

Now that you have been equipped with the knowledge of the greatest ketchup known to man--just in time for barbeque season, no less--go forth and use this knowledge for good! Share your ketchup wisdom with everyone and make sure they know that regardless of its somewhat more cooperative bottle, Hunts got its puny "all natural" ass kicked by some generic Walmart ketchup, and Heinz, despite its prestige, couldn't hold its own against a 98-cent bottle of red paste.

Oh, and just in case your wallet is reading this, the Great Value ketchup truly lives up to its name and offers the lowest price per ounce of any of our three contenders, tipping the scale at just over four cents per ounce. Heinz, on the other hand, will set you back almost ten cents for the same amount. Worth it? I think not.

What's your favorite ketchup? Do you dare defy our highly scientific findings? Let me know in the comments below!