Thursday, April 17, 2014

Starburst Minis, Bad Eggs, and a Love Story

Once upon a time there was a Starburst....


....and another Starburst.


One day at a party when the one Starburst was a little bit tipsy and the other Starburst was a little bit lonely, they got together.


Despite the morning-after embarrassment, these two Starbursts fell in love, got married, and had a baby.


The baby Starburst was adorable, and on the first day of Kindergarten his loving Starburst parents walked him to school, gave him a kiss, and told him to make friends.


He made friends, alright. Bad egg friends. Before long, he landed his tiny baby Starburst ass in the slammer and became a special friend for a King-Sized Kit-Kat named Duke.


The moral of the story is that no matter how adorable you think the teeny tiny Starbursts might be, you shouldn't be fooled. They are horrible and disgusting and you deserve better.


Now don't get me wrong, if you like eating strawberry Chapstick straight out of the tube, you'll love these. If you don't, you'll just regret not buying adult-sized candy.


As a matter of fact, they don't even have the same list of ingredients.


Regular Starburst: Corn Syrup, Sugar, Hydrogenated Palm Kernel Oil, Fruit Juice From Concentrate (Apple, Lemon, Strawberry, Orange, Cherry), Less Than 2% - Citric Acid, Tapioca Dextrin, Gelatin, Modified Corn Starch, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), Coloring (Red 40, Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Blue 1).

Starburst Minis:  Sugar, Corn Syrup, Palm Oil, Less Than 2% - Citric Acid, Pectin, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Sodium Citrate, Apple Juice from Concentrate, Mono- and Diglycerides, Carnuba Wax, Colors (Red 40, Yellow 6, Yellow 5, Blue 1), Confectioner's Glaze.

WTF? What happened to my lemon juice and strawberry juice and orange juice and cherry juice? What is "confectioner's glaze?" AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DRAGON TEARS?


From now on the Starburst Test Kitchen employees need to pop a Midol before coming to work--it's no inconvenience, the pills are the same size as the Starburst Minis they somehow thought were a good idea.


On the bright side, at least these are a fresh and exciting replacement for the jelly beans you usually find in your Easter basket. We all know nobody eats those anyway, so it doesn't matter that these are mostly toxic and utterly uneatable.

The End.

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