Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chips Review

For Christmas, Lay's released a limited edition collection of gourmet-styled chocolate covered potato chips. They come in a super-fancy impenetrable plasticy/foily bag with the words "delicious" and "luscious" written in expensive-looking letters.

Ripped Open Bag of Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chips

I got a little too excited about these, but come on, they are chocolate covered potato chips. How awesome are chocolate covered potato chips? Very awesome. These are the things fat pimply girls' dreams are made of.

Each bag contains--hold on to your seat here--FIFTEEN chips. That's right, FIFTEEN. Fifteen whole chips for you to totally not share with your friends or neighbors or dogs, no matter how big their puppy eyes are. Those fifteen chips are precious and they should be protected with your life. After all, at $4 a bag, you just paid, like, twenty-seven cents per chip.

Inside look at a bag of Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chips.

Outrageous price tag or not, these twenty-seven-cent chips are not nearly as appetizing as the ones on the bags. The chip on the packages is a perfect oval with thick ridges, enveloped in a smooth layer of dark chocolate, and sprinkled with sea salt. The pile of poo that came out of the bag looked something like this:

Very ugly Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chip on hand.

Poo-looks and crazy prices aside, these are still pretty yummy. How could they not be? They're potato chips. Covered in chocolate. What more could a fat girl ask for? Sadly, these are only available for the holidays. Not so sadly, you can achieve the same effect by squishing some Ruffles into a tub of chocolate fudge frosting and eating it with a spoon.

P.S. If somebody out there decides to eat a bunch of potato chips and chocolate frosting while watching chick flicks and wearing jammies, hit me up. The calories don't count if I'm eating at your house.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Little Caesar's Pretzel Crust Pizza Review

When I was a kid, we had a Little Caesars pizza joint in my hometown. They closed up shop sometime during the nineties and I didn't think about them again until a couple of years ago when another one sprung up on the other side of town. That in no way gave me incentive to eat there, as my town also has access to Dominos, Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, and DiGiornos, all of which are preferable to whatever microwaved food-like substance Little Caesars is churning out these days.

Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Pizza Boxes

That was until I heard about the pretzel crust pizza.

This sucker has a salted pretzel crust, cheese sauce, cheese, and then more cheese.

Little Caesars pretzel crust pizza without pepperoni

I like cheese.

Now, the first thing I want to whine about in reference to this pizza is the fact that it comes with pepperoni. I am a vegetarian, which means that I had to special order one without pepperoni, which confused the cashier very much, and it meant that I had to wait at Little Caesars, which I'm pretty sure no one has ever had to do, ever.

Cheese pretzel crust pizza and pepperoni pretzel crust pizza

When I got it home and opened it up, I was pleasantly surprised by all the cheesiness. And, believe it or not, the thing looked edible. Even more shocking, it actually looked like food. So I ate a piece.

Then I ate a few more pieces, because it's cheese on top of cheese on top of cheese on top of a pretzel, and that is, like, magnificence in a pie.

Little Caesars Pretzel Crust Pizza with cheese sauce

The pretzel part was...interesting. All by itself, it was pretty good. With the cheese sauce it was also pretty good. In the context of a pizza, it was weird. Never ever in my life have I eaten a slice of za and thought to myself, you know what would make this better? Pretzels.

I ended up downing half this thing and giving myself a bellyache. I'm not sure I would really recommend it, per say, but if you ever have a few friends over and you're curious about what cheesy cheesy pretzel pizza would taste like, then go for it. But get yourself a DiGiornos for backup first.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

All Thing Things I Ate During Finals Week (or, Why My Jeans Won't Button)

So, my English professor thought it would be funny to assign our class a research paper two weeks before classes ended.

My English professor has a terrible sense of humor.

Lucky me, the same day my English professor assigned us our research papers, my car died. Then the school library closed for five days for "Thanksgiving," which, from what I gather, is an antiquated holiday celebrating love, gratitude, and yams. (Conincidentally, this holiday coincides with what we in the life-leeching retail business refer to as Hell Week, during which I had the pleasure of working six days straight and getting yelled at for not having enough earbuds.) By the time I had time to research anything at all, my roommate came home from Colorado barfing like a high schooler at a frat party, and I had to procure the necessary chicken noodle soup and orange juice. (The bastard lost five pounds, too. Me? I gained seven.)

As I'm sure you can assume, all this stress led to quite a bit of comfort eating. Here's a rundown of what I ate during the last two weeks:

Half a bag of Oreos.
A McDonald's apple pie.
Three white hot chocolates.
One possibly poisonous bottle of Diet Coke.
Half a pumpkin pie.
Four boxes of macaroni and cheese.
A $1 Jimmy Johns sub.
A "Party Size" tub of humus.
Two mini bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Twenty-three oatmeal raisin cookies.
A LOT of Twizzlers.
And a partridge in a pear tree.

The best part of all is that I totally bombed the paper, which means I am now simultaneously looking for all possible opportunities to shove Oreos into my face AND ways to lose twenty pounds before Christmas so that at least I won't be the fat freshman failure for the annual "my, how you've grown, how is school?" holiday inquisition. If anyone happens to know of a diet that lets you eat Nutella and spray cheese for two weeks, take a 48-hour nap, and wake up with the body of a bombshell, please let me know.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Caramel Apple Oreos Review

The evil leprechauns are at it again! But this time, they've been joined by mischievous miniature teddy bears to bring us this appetizing swirl of brown and green Oreo creme. See for yourself:

Brown caramel and green apple Oreo creme

Luckily, the mischievous teddy bears kept the evil leprechauns in line, because these Oreos are much, much better than the last batch of green Oreos we tried.

These are Limited Edition Caramel Apple Oreos. (this is where you ooh and aah)

Package of Limited Edition Caramel Apple Oreos

They are weird.

Good weird.

But weird.

Open package of Caramel Apple Oreos

The green half of the creme tastes like a sour Granny Smith apple. No joke. It's a little squishy all by itself, but when it's all wrapped up in crunchy cookie, it's a pretty decent fake apple.

The brown side, though....I don't know about those teddy bears. Presumably, the brown creme would taste like caramel; thus fulfilling the caramel requirement of a caramel apple. It doesn't. The brown creme tastes sweet. That's it. Just sweet. It isn't a traditional vanilla-y Oreo creme, but it also isn't brown sugar-y or butter-y.

Closeup of Caramel Apple Oreo with brown and green creme

Brown creme of indeterminate flavor aside, these are pretty cool Oreos. They might not be as good as, say, Marshmallow Crispy Oreos, but they hold their own as a limited edition flavor. I'd probably buy these again if they came back next year.

Have you tried the Caramel Apple Oreos? Did you like them? What do you think the next crazy flavor will be?

Like Oreos? Me too. I've talked about them here and here and here.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Fall Bucket List

Hey guys! Today I'm linking up with Jackie from Our Nashville Life to share my fall bucket list!

Fall is my favorite time of year (if you hadn't noticed from my recent fall foods craziness), and since it always seems to disappear five minutes after it starts, I thought making a fall bucket list was an awesome idea. If you make a fall bucket list, leave me a comment and I'll come check it out!


My Fall Bucket List:
  1. Bake apple crisp.
  2. Jump in a pile of leaves.
  3. Get all dressed up and take my brother trick-or-treating.
  5. Make pumpkin spice muffins.
  6. Carve a jackolantern.
  7. Set up an awesome graveyard out front.
  8. Make soup NOT from a can.
  9. Bake bread.
  10. Bake something with ginger that will make the house smell amaaaazing.
  11. Watch Rocky Horror Picture Show.
  12. Watch Nightmare Before Christmas. (My friends and I have decided the only appropriate time to watch this film is on Thanksgiving.)
  13. Go to the Minecraft Corn Maze. I hate corn mazes, but there's one nearby that does a theme every year; last year it was Angry Birds and this year it's Minecraft. Since my roommate and my little brother are both obsessed with Minecraft, we can't pass this up.
  14. Go to the eye doctor. Nope, not exciting, but I've been putting it off and it needs to happen.

That's it for today, guys. Keep your eyes peeled for autumnal Oreos later this week!

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Caramel Apple Sugar Babies: The Most Confusing Candy on Earth

Caramel Apple Sugar Babies have a lot going on. At first glance, the box appears to be advertizing radioactive mouse turds. Or possibly poorly-illustrated olives.

Upon spilling out the candies for more thorough examination, they move from being radioactive mouse turds to being radioactive lima beans. This is only slightly less unnerving, because, yaknow, it's candy lima beans.

The first taste, however, removes all implications of toxic waste. At the beginning, these suckers are sour as all heck. Once you recover from the sour shock and continue to work your way through the chewy candy coating, a wave of buttery smooth caramel washes over your taste buds. It's about this time that you begin to realize this is a supremely awesome candy. And then you eat another one and experience the slap-in-the-face sour apple and soothing sweetness of the caramel all over again. And then again. And then again.

These became quite difficult to photograph, because each time I pressed the shutter, I popped another one (or two or five) into my mouth. My roommate tried to steal them from me. I threatened to flatten him with my hair straightener.

Sugar Baby thieves successfully thwarted, I took the rest of the box inside, snuggled up in a blanket, and watched cartoons.

Now, I will give you this heads-up: DO NOT eat these before a dentist appointment. They will stick to your teeth and your dentist will have to pry them off and they will undoubtedly be flung all over the room and will adhere themselves stealthily to the ceiling to one day drop on the face of an unsuspecting patient. Don't be the guy whose candy winds up in somebody else's nose. Achieve your sugar high responsibly.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Apple Cider Doughnuts (no, I'm not sharing)

Guys, these are apple cider doughnuts.

They are amazing. They make the world spin. They might even be better than pumpkin faces.

No, I'm just kidding, nothing is better than pumpkin faces.

But these are pretty close.

After school Thursday (aced my math test, by the way), my roommate and I climbed up in the pickup truck and drove out the winding roads to our favorite farmer's market. Because apparently we're country folk now.

When we walked into the market, I beelined for the apple cider doughnuts. There were four dozen left, so we decided to wander around a little bit and grab them on our way out. When we walked past the table again ten minutes later, half of them were gone. No joke.

We started eating the doughnuts the second we got home. And then we ate some fresh bread, apple jelly, and goat cheese. And then some more apple cider doughnuts, because you can't just eat one apple cider doughnut. It's sacrilegious.

I highly, highly, highly recommend apple cider doughnuts. If you ever see them in the wild, be sure to pounce on them before they get away.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Brach's Crazy Candy Corn Review

Remember last year when we decided that things that taste like candy corn are very bad? This is totally different. This is candy corn that tastes like things. Completely new concept.

This year Brach's has unveiled four different kinds of crazy candy corn: Pumpkin Spice (of course), Caramel, S'mores, and Caramel Macchiato. All of these flavors proclaim they are "made with real honey," which seems a little weird to me since I don't know many people who make a habit of squirting honey into their pumpkin spice lattes. But hey, what do I know?

A lot. I know a lot.

These things are terrible. Like, really bad. Not quite as bad as candy corn M&Ms, but still, pretty disgusting.

The pumpkin spice candy corn, which I was stupid enough to try first (after being stupid enough to buy them, which is pretty damn stupid), tasted like a cheap candle. Go ahead, yank off a chunk of wax from a dollar store "Autumn Breeze" candle and it'll taste exactly like this. Actually, it'll probably taste better, since that won't have "real honey" in it.

Moving on to Test Subject B, I was excited to discover that they really did smell like s'mores. Brach's got the chocolate-marshmallow-graham-cracker-campfire scent down pat. They did not, however, figure out how to make these taste like s'mores. The honey was more prominent in these, but it was honey mixed with really weird cheapass chocolate and maybe a little liquid smoke. They did not taste like s'mores.

Next up we have the caramel flavored candy corn.

Here's my first beef about caramel flavored candy corn: you can't call it caramel corn. There's already caramel corn (and it's a hell of a lot better than this caramel corn), so calling this stuff caramel corn is confusing. Also, why didn't they make caramel corn candy corn? Because that would have been awesome.

The caramel candy corn was not entirely repulsive. It was crazy sweet and super buttery, but somehow the sugar and butter never really got together and turned into caramel. They were just both....there. Oh, yeah, and so was the honey. There was a lot of freaking honey in this stuff. Like, a lot of freaking honey. I don't have anything against honey, but don't put honey in my caramel. That's indecent.

Finally, we have caramel macchiato candy corn, which is completely different from the caramel candy corn. Probably because you can't taste the butter. Or honey. Or corn. (Side note: how the heck did we decide this stuff was corn???? It doesn't look like corn to me. Corn looks like this.) Want to know what this stuff does taste like? Coffee. Really, really, really sweet coffee. Not coffee with caramel in it, not coffee with honey in it, just coffee with forty-seven sugar packets in it. (Will someone please go put forty-seven sugar packets in some coffee and let me know if it tastes like this? Thanks.)

You know, I bet if Brach's could get a Starbucks deal for the caramel macchiato corn, it'd become the next craze. But since that ship seems to have sailed (due to the obvious lack of a Starbucks logo on the front of the bag), I think these will probably flop just like the rest of them.

Do you like candy corn? Do you like crazy candy corn? What flavor do you think they should try next year?

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Ben & Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream

I do not EVER want to be the guy who bashes Ben & Jerry's. I'm pretty sure that guy gets wiped out by the Golden Lightning Bolt of Doom, and I do not have a death wish. That being said, when I saw pumpkin cheesecake ice cream at the grocery store, my first thought was "ewwww." My second thought was, "I've gotta try that!"

Pint of Ben & Jerry's Limited Edition Pumpkin Cheesecake Flavored Ice Cream

I took the pint home, but I stared at it warily. Ben and Jerry are masterminds, sure, but pumpkin cheesecake ice cream? Really? It's ground-up gourd mixed into some sour cream and popped into the freezer. That can't possibly be good, especially when it's competing against wonders like Half Baked and Phish Food.

Freshly opened pint of Ben & Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream

I opened the container and stared down at the off-white blob. There was no molten brownie swirl. No chunks of chocolate chip cookie dough. No marshmallow creme. What kind of sorry excuse was this for Ben & Jerry's ice cream? Unimpressed, I sniffed at it. No signs of pumpkin poison detected, I put a spoonful in my mouth and let it melt over my tongue.

Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream and Homegrown Pumpkins

That was about when my mind exploded.

The subtle pumpkin flavor washed over me first, like the lingering flavor of pumpkin pie after Thanksgiving dinner. The gentle spiciness warmed up the otherwise chilly treat and elevated it to levels worthy of the finest pastry kitchen. The tang of the cheesecake balanced out the sweetness of the cream, and the graham cracker crumbles offered an element of texture to the otherwise smooth dessert.

Eating Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream

I might not be ready to hop aboard the pumpkin-spice-everything train, but I am confident in saying this ice cream is perfect. And I mean absolutely flawless. There is nothing about this ice cream I would change. Is it my favorite Ben & Jerry's creation? No, probably not. But I can't help but fall a little deeper in love with it after each spoonful of its impeccable flavor.

Closeup of Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream with Spoon

Have you tried pumpkin cheesecake ice cream? If you haven't, you should. It's amazing.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Pumpkin Faces!

Guys! Guys! It's fall! How do I know? Because of these:

Pumpkin Faces!


I love, love LOVE these! I'm pretty sure I squealed right there in the middle of Walmart when I saw them.

And no, I don't care that it's only been September for three and half minutes; it's fall, dammit, and I'm going to enjoy every single second of it and eat all the pumpkin faces I possibly can. When it's time for breakfast, I'll have a pumpkin face. When it's time for a post-breakfast snack, I'll have a pumpkin face. Lunch? Yep, you guessed it: pumpkin face.

These things are perfect. They're soft and squishy and spicy and pumpkiny all at once. If you don't think that's utopian, clearly you've never had a pumpkin face.

Now, this whole standing-in-Walmart-squealing-over-the-pumpkin-faces thing has inspired a September blog series: fall food. Yeah, I know, super original. Lack of originality aside, this month is going to be all about fall. Stay tuned for early Halloween candy reviews, some awesome glassware, and maybe just maybe my first impression of the pumpkin spice latte. If you have any recommendations, leave a comment or shoot me an email!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

I did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge!

Yesterday my roommate and my little brother decided to tag me for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. They are big meanies, but here's the videographic evidence that I completed the Ice Bucket Challenge.

I'm tagging my friend Mosby (TheFantasticIan), Devon Battilega (DevonDoesGames), and my mother (spiffy URL nonexistent).

If you'd like to get in on the cold, wet fun, consider yourself tagged! To take the challenge, film yourself (or a friend) dumping a bucket of icy cold water over your head and film it for all the world to see. If that isn't quite your style, feel free to make a donation to the ALS Association to help them create a world without ALS.

P.S. I didn't know what ALS was so I looked it up. ALS stands for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. It is a degenerative nerve disorder that affects approximately 30,000 Americans.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Chips and Buttermilk and Why I Will Be Homeless

My roommate thinks I'm crazy. And yeah, okay, maybe sometimes that's a little bit true. Maybe. Sometimes. A little. But I am not nearly as crazy as he thinks I am. In fact, I think he's crazy because he doesn't completely love one of my favorite foods.

Now, you guys now I love sour cream. And what's better than sour cream? Well....cheese. But no, that's not what we're talking about today. We're talking about sour cream and onion potato chips.

And what makes sour cream and onion potato chips even more delicious?


No, really! Stay with me here!

This is the food of the gods.

It is creamy, salty, tangy, oniony perfection in a little green bowl.

I don't understand why this is not yet considered an international delicacy.

You can dip them one-by-one and savor the unique combination of flavors....

....or you can dump a whole pile in there and turn it into a makeshift breakfast cereal. (Note: I did not eat this for breakfast. Not at all. I would never do that. Uh-uh. Not me.)

Every time I do this my roommate gags and tries to leave the room. I usually follow him, waving my bowl around, trying to get him to taste it. Because I'm thoughtful like that. So far I haven't been successful, but I am convinced that one day I will make this delightful snack worldwide wonder. And then even my roommate will see this as the glorious snack it is. Yaknow.....if he doesn't throw me out first.

P.S. This is super healthy and low-fat, so clearly, it's the best food ever.

Friday, August 15, 2014

I Ate All the Skittles

All I wanted yesterday was doughnuts and a nap, so when I got home, I sent my roommate out for doughnuts and then I took a nap. That would have been the end of that, but while I was trying to decide what kind of doughnuts I wanted, I remembered the gas station also sold Skittles so I asked my roommate to please go buy me all the doughnuts and all the Skittles. Today we're going to be eating all the Skittles together, mostly because the doughnuts are all gone. (I'm not PMSing, I swear.)

Now, apparently the good ol' Skittles in the red bag aren't cool enough anymore, so we have three new kinds to try: Tropical Skittles, Sour Skittles, and Wild Berry Skittles.

Pile of Original Skittles, Sour Skittles, Tropical Skittles, and Wild Berry Skittles.

Let's start with a brief rant about green Skittles, shall we? First of all, the Original bag of Skittles used to come with five flavors: lemon, orange, strawberry, grape, and lime. It still comes with five flavors, but now they're lemon, orange, strawberry, grape, and green apple. Who the heck approved this decision? I was certainly not consulted in this matter. Lime Skittles were my favorite. Because they were the best. So what does Skittles do? They go and replace the delicious Lime Skittle with some cheapass crappy "sour apple" Skittle. WTF, Skittles? Like, seriously? AND, as if sour apple Skittles weren't bad enough, they make these newfangled Wild Berry Skittles and make the green one "melon berry" flavored. What the hell is a melon berry? Is it a melon? Is it a berry? No one knows! What I do know is that it's disgusting. Pure, utter, undeniable repulsion in a green candy coating. Why, Skittles? Why?

Now that I have that off my chest, let's talk about the flavors.

Bag of Original Skittles

After I ate some of the regular Skittles (and discovered the green one was an imposter), I dove into the Wild Berry Skittles.

Bag of Wild Berry Skittles

The Wild Berry Skittles come in five flavors: raspberry, strawberry, wild cherry, berry punch and the evil ever-dreaded melon berry. This bag is a little weird, and I feel like each flavor requires its own kind of mental preparation before you pop it in your mouth, which severely lessens the snackability of this particular Skittles collection. For example, the wild cherry one tastes like medicine. Straight up, not kidding, 100% cherry cold medicine. Minus the menthol. Then you flip over to a strawberry Skittle, and that just tastes like a normal Skittle, but it's in the very berry bag of Skittles, so its strawberryness is seemingly heightened and you have to ask yourself if this is merely an illusion designed by marketing geniuses or if the thing actually tastes more strawberry-y than a regular strawberry Skittle. (These are the kinds of questions that keep me awake at night.) After those two, you get to a raspberry Skittle which is so faintly flavored you're not entirely sure if this is a new Skittle at all or just the remnants of the last six Skittles stuck in your teeth. And then, after all that, you get to the melon berry. And you spit it out. Because it is disgusting. And nobody knows what a melon berry is, and that's mildly concerning.

Tropical Skittles spilling out of bag.

Next up in the taste test was the bag of Tropical Skittles. They come in Banana Berry (which should really be in the berry collection, don't you think?), Kiwi Lime (because apparently Mr. Skittle has a problem with regular lime), Mango Tangelo (my new stripper name), strawberry starfruit (what is a starfruit????), and Pineapple Passionfruit (which, by the way, is inexplicably blue). I started off with a Pineapple Passionfruit, because it was blue and pretty and Pineapple Passionfruit is fun to say. Go on, try it. It's the most enjoyment you'll ever get from a Pineapple Passionfruit Skittle. That is because Pineapple Passionfruit Skittles are terrible. I'm not sure exactly what they taste like (pineapple and/or passionfruit, presumably), but whatever it is, it is not tasty. After I chugged an entire glass of water and attempted to regain my composure, I tried a Banana Berry Skittle, because I was assuming it would be sweet and mellow like a banana flavored Runt or perhaps a banana popsicle. It wasn't. It tasted like licking a school bus that was just was pulled out of a sinkhole filled with toxic waste. After those two delightful experiences, I didn't bother with the Mango Tangelo or Kiwi Lime or Strawberry Starfruit, because, really, after all that, we're just lucky I didn't try to scrape off all my tastebuds.

Bag of Sour Skittles

Finally, we have the Sour Skittles. These come in all the same flavors as the Original Skittles (minus my beloved lime), but they're coated in a thick, sticky layer of acidic crystals. Honestly, I think they were probably my favorite of all four bags. And, as much as I hate to admit it, the sour green apple ones were good. Really good. Freaking delicious, in fact. I wish that was the only flavor in the bag because I would absolutely positively definitely buy them all the time. All the other flavors in the bag were pretty okay (except for maybe the sour grape, because that had bad juju written all over it from the beginning), but the sour green apple ones....dude, that's what I'm talking about.

Closeup of Sour Skittles

What are your thoughts on all these wacky Skittles? Did you know about the banishment of lime? And, is your stripper name as awesome as mine? I doubt it....