Friday, February 6, 2015

Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreos

Dearest Inhabitants of the Internet,

It is my great pleasure to inform you that, at long last, the planets have aligned, world peace has been achieved, and all is right in the Universe.

We have these to thank:


These are not just any ordinary Oreo--oh, no! These are the Oreo of all Oreos, the mothership of Nabisco delicacies. These are Red Velvet Oreos.


Not only are these gloriously perfect cookies gloriously perfect, they were recently chosen to pave the streets of Heaven. (Or was that Graceland? I can't remember. It doesn't matter. Anywho.)


These cookies are a magnificent marriage of cake and cookie, sweet chocolate, and smooth creme. They embody everything that every dessert ever strives to be.


They are perfection in a blue foil package.

I love them.


That being said, you won't like them at all. If you see them in your local stores, please buy them all and send them to me for proper disposal. And don't even think about trying to taste one of mine, because I have licked all of them and will infect you with my cooties.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Katie Does Coffee, part 1


I hate coffee. It's icky and gross and it tastes terrible.

That's what I proclaimed to the world for...oh, gee...twenty two years.

Okay. Probably not twenty two years, because I wasn't so great at verbalizing my opinions on beverages as a wee tot, but still. I hated coffee for a really long time.

Until last week.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I want coffee. Like, I really, really want coffee. Like, all the time. I have no idea what to do with myself now.

Maybe it's because I'm in college now and, like all college students, my brain requires caffeinated fuel to produce coherent sentences.

No, that's not it. I'm still not producing coherent sentences egg.

Maybe I'm maturing and developing good taste in my newly discovered adulthood.

Nope, that's not it either. Butts. Boogers. Burps. Giggle.

Whatever the reason, I'm in the beginning stages of a coffee addiction and I would love to hear your recommendations. Are there coffee brands I should be trying? Flavors? Mochas? Lattes? And by the way, how do you pronounce cafe au lait?

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Snickerdoodles and Snowstorms

On Tuesday I celebrated the first snow of the year by baking a batch of snickerdoodles.

Plate full of homemade snickerdoodle cookies

Before Tuesday, I'd never made snickerdoodles. In fact, I'd probably only eaten snickerdoodles once or twice, so I didn't have very high expectations for these cookies. All I knew was that snickerdoodles remind me of Snickelfritz, and that makes me happy.

Snicklefritz the cat from The Big Comfy Couch

(If anybody out there knows who this is, we can be best friends and I'll give you cookies.)

I completely stole this recipe from the internet, so it's nothing 4,000 people haven't already declared awesome, but holy crap, these things are incredible.

Bowl of snickerdoodle cookie dough.

First of all, snickerdoodles are insanely easy to make. You mix the stuff, then you mix the other stuff, then you mix the stuffs together, then you roll it around a little bit and then you bake it. Easy peasy.

Balls of cookie dough rolled in cinnamon sugar

Coming out of the oven, the snickerdoodles are all crack-topped and oozy, but after a few minutes, they develop perfectly crisped edges with chewy centers and a gentle spiciness that makes you want to curl up in a blanket and watch the snow. And yes, that is exactly what I did.

Snickerdoodles on cooling rack

Call me crazy, but I think these might be my new favorite cookies. The dough is smooth and squishy and fun to roll. The cinnamon and sugar coating makes them slide right off the cookie sheet and into your mouth.* They are practically perfect, just like Mary Poppins.

Without further ado, here is Beth Sigworth's Snickerdoodle recipe:

Ingredients:
2 3/4 cups flour
2 tsp cream of tarter
1 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup shortening
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla

2 tbs sugar
2 tsp cinnamon

Instructions:

1. Sift together flour, cream of tarter, baking soda, and salt. I added a little bit of caradmom, but that is completely unnecessary unless you happen to have an otherwise useless bottle of cardamom in your cupboard.

2. Cream together butter and shortening and sugar.

3. Beat in eggs and vanilla.

4. Mix the flour and stuff into the butter and stuff.

5. In a tiny bowl, stir together the sugar and cinnamon. Roll dough into balls and roll it around in the cinnamon sugar until evenly coated. Keep in mind that bigger balls mean bigger cracks. (Insert bad plumber joke here.)

6. Put the balls on a cookie sheet covered with parchment paper and bake at 400 degrees for 8 minutes (ONLY 8 MINUTES!). Cool on the cookie sheet for a couple of minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.

7. Eat with a steamy mug of white hot chocolate.

Closeup of perfect snickerdoodle cookie

*Not recommended for safety reasons. Cool until touchable before consuming.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chips Review

For Christmas, Lay's released a limited edition collection of gourmet-styled chocolate covered potato chips. They come in a super-fancy impenetrable plasticy/foily bag with the words "delicious" and "luscious" written in expensive-looking letters.

Ripped Open Bag of Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chips

I got a little too excited about these, but come on, they are chocolate covered potato chips. How awesome are chocolate covered potato chips? Very awesome. These are the things fat pimply girls' dreams are made of.

Each bag contains--hold on to your seat here--FIFTEEN chips. That's right, FIFTEEN. Fifteen whole chips for you to totally not share with your friends or neighbors or dogs, no matter how big their puppy eyes are. Those fifteen chips are precious and they should be protected with your life. After all, at $4 a bag, you just paid, like, twenty-seven cents per chip.

Inside look at a bag of Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chips.

Outrageous price tag or not, these twenty-seven-cent chips are not nearly as appetizing as the ones on the bags. The chip on the packages is a perfect oval with thick ridges, enveloped in a smooth layer of dark chocolate, and sprinkled with sea salt. The pile of poo that came out of the bag looked something like this:

Very ugly Lay's Chocolate Covered Potato Chip on hand.

Poo-looks and crazy prices aside, these are still pretty yummy. How could they not be? They're potato chips. Covered in chocolate. What more could a fat girl ask for? Sadly, these are only available for the holidays. Not so sadly, you can achieve the same effect by squishing some Ruffles into a tub of chocolate fudge frosting and eating it with a spoon.

P.S. If somebody out there decides to eat a bunch of potato chips and chocolate frosting while watching chick flicks and wearing jammies, hit me up. The calories don't count if I'm eating at your house.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Little Caesar's Pretzel Crust Pizza Review

When I was a kid, we had a Little Caesars pizza joint in my hometown. They closed up shop sometime during the nineties and I didn't think about them again until a couple of years ago when another one sprung up on the other side of town. That in no way gave me incentive to eat there, as my town also has access to Dominos, Papa Johns, Pizza Hut, and DiGiornos, all of which are preferable to whatever microwaved food-like substance Little Caesars is churning out these days.

Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready Pizza Boxes

That was until I heard about the pretzel crust pizza.

This sucker has a salted pretzel crust, cheese sauce, cheese, and then more cheese.

Little Caesars pretzel crust pizza without pepperoni

I like cheese.

Now, the first thing I want to whine about in reference to this pizza is the fact that it comes with pepperoni. I am a vegetarian, which means that I had to special order one without pepperoni, which confused the cashier very much, and it meant that I had to wait at Little Caesars, which I'm pretty sure no one has ever had to do, ever.

Cheese pretzel crust pizza and pepperoni pretzel crust pizza

When I got it home and opened it up, I was pleasantly surprised by all the cheesiness. And, believe it or not, the thing looked edible. Even more shocking, it actually looked like food. So I ate a piece.

Then I ate a few more pieces, because it's cheese on top of cheese on top of cheese on top of a pretzel, and that is, like, magnificence in a pie.

Little Caesars Pretzel Crust Pizza with cheese sauce

The pretzel part was...interesting. All by itself, it was pretty good. With the cheese sauce it was also pretty good. In the context of a pizza, it was weird. Never ever in my life have I eaten a slice of za and thought to myself, you know what would make this better? Pretzels.

I ended up downing half this thing and giving myself a bellyache. I'm not sure I would really recommend it, per say, but if you ever have a few friends over and you're curious about what cheesy cheesy pretzel pizza would taste like, then go for it. But get yourself a DiGiornos for backup first.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

All Thing Things I Ate During Finals Week (or, Why My Jeans Won't Button)

So, my English professor thought it would be funny to assign our class a research paper two weeks before classes ended.

My English professor has a terrible sense of humor.

Lucky me, the same day my English professor assigned us our research papers, my car died. Then the school library closed for five days for "Thanksgiving," which, from what I gather, is an antiquated holiday celebrating love, gratitude, and yams. (Conincidentally, this holiday coincides with what we in the life-leeching retail business refer to as Hell Week, during which I had the pleasure of working six days straight and getting yelled at for not having enough earbuds.) By the time I had time to research anything at all, my roommate came home from Colorado barfing like a high schooler at a frat party, and I had to procure the necessary chicken noodle soup and orange juice. (The bastard lost five pounds, too. Me? I gained seven.)

As I'm sure you can assume, all this stress led to quite a bit of comfort eating. Here's a rundown of what I ate during the last two weeks:

Half a bag of Oreos.
A McDonald's apple pie.
Three white hot chocolates.
One possibly poisonous bottle of Diet Coke.
Half a pumpkin pie.
Four boxes of macaroni and cheese.
A $1 Jimmy Johns sub.
A "Party Size" tub of humus.
Two mini bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Twenty-three oatmeal raisin cookies.
A LOT of Twizzlers.
And a partridge in a pear tree.

The best part of all is that I totally bombed the paper, which means I am now simultaneously looking for all possible opportunities to shove Oreos into my face AND ways to lose twenty pounds before Christmas so that at least I won't be the fat freshman failure for the annual "my, how you've grown, how is school?" holiday inquisition. If anyone happens to know of a diet that lets you eat Nutella and spray cheese for two weeks, take a 48-hour nap, and wake up with the body of a bombshell, please let me know.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Caramel Apple Oreos Review

The evil leprechauns are at it again! But this time, they've been joined by mischievous miniature teddy bears to bring us this appetizing swirl of brown and green Oreo creme. See for yourself:

Brown caramel and green apple Oreo creme

Luckily, the mischievous teddy bears kept the evil leprechauns in line, because these Oreos are much, much better than the last batch of green Oreos we tried.

These are Limited Edition Caramel Apple Oreos. (this is where you ooh and aah)

Package of Limited Edition Caramel Apple Oreos

They are weird.

Good weird.

But weird.

Open package of Caramel Apple Oreos

The green half of the creme tastes like a sour Granny Smith apple. No joke. It's a little squishy all by itself, but when it's all wrapped up in crunchy cookie, it's a pretty decent fake apple.

The brown side, though....I don't know about those teddy bears. Presumably, the brown creme would taste like caramel; thus fulfilling the caramel requirement of a caramel apple. It doesn't. The brown creme tastes sweet. That's it. Just sweet. It isn't a traditional vanilla-y Oreo creme, but it also isn't brown sugar-y or butter-y.

Closeup of Caramel Apple Oreo with brown and green creme

Brown creme of indeterminate flavor aside, these are pretty cool Oreos. They might not be as good as, say, Marshmallow Crispy Oreos, but they hold their own as a limited edition flavor. I'd probably buy these again if they came back next year.

Have you tried the Caramel Apple Oreos? Did you like them? What do you think the next crazy flavor will be?

Like Oreos? Me too. I've talked about them here and here and here.