Monday, July 21, 2014

Oreo Cream Pie



And also, pie:

But not just any pie. No, this is Oreo Cream Pie, the greatest of all the pies. Well, okay, maybe not the greatest of all the pies. Maybe, like, the second greatest, because, yaknow, apple. And maybe pumpkin. Because Thanksgiving wouldn't exist without pumpkin pie. So let's say the third greatest of all the pies.

Don't let it's third-place status fool you, though. This pie is delicious. I've been looking forward to it all week. My coworkers were all like, "So, Katie, what are you doing with your Saturday off?" And I was all, "Sitting on my couch. Eating pie." And my coworkers were all, "Who are you, Homer Simpson?" And I was all, "Shut up or I won't share my pie."

And then they shut up. Because nobody messes with this pie.

(Actually, no, not really. They did call me Homer Simpson, but I didn't offer to share my pie. They're not pieworthy. Very few people are pieworthy.)

So how do you make this glorious circle of pieness, you ask? I'll tell you how. You get your ingredients.

And then you squish some of your ingredients.

And then you put your other ingredients in a bowl and squish them together.

And then you add the squishy ingredient into the other squished ingredients.

And then you pour it into an Oreo pie shell and sprinkle leftover squishedness on top.

Then you stick the whole shibang in the freezer for, like, some hours....or however long you can stand to wait before pulling it out and devouring it, which may be considerably less than some hours.

And then you eat it. Potentially all by yourself. Because Oreo Cream Pie is awesome.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here are the actual directions....

Approximately 10-ish Oreos
3oz cream cheese
2 tbs sugar
1/2 cup Half-and-Half
8oz Cool Whip
1 Oreo cookie pie shell

What You Do:

1. Whirl maybe, like, sevenish of your Oreos around in a food processor until they're nice and crumbly. You're looking for one full cup of Oreos, so you may have to add or take away (read: eat) based on how accurate my Oreo counting skills are.

2. Squish up your three ounces of cream cheese with the sugar. Do not accidentally use a full 8oz package. That would be bad.

3. Pour the Half-and-Half into the cream cheese and mix.

4. Stir in the Cool Whip.

5. Stir in the Oreo crumbs.

7. Pour into the pie shell.

8. Top with chopped up Oreos. Not crushed Oreos. I may have gotten ahead of myself and crushed up too many Oreos, which I then threw on top of the pie because I figured, hey, they're Oreos, they'll be delicious no matter what. I did not take into consideration the fact that crushed up Oreos kind of look like crap. For a minute or two I considered going back to the store and buying more stuff to make another Oreo pie, but I'm pretty sure the people at the grocery store are about ready to start calling me the Crazy Oreo Chick, so I decided to hold my horses and stick with the crappy-looking pie.

9. Throw the whole thing in the freezer, preferably overnight, preferably right next to some Oreo Klondike bars that aren't nearly as good as Oreo Cream Pie. Remove from freezer approximately 15ish minutes before cutting.

Be sure to share this pie only with pieworthy people. Like me.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Loaded Doritos from 7-Eleven. Because.

I think I have officially experienced the most American thing to exist, ever.

Loaded Doritos from 7-Eleven.

Box of Loaded Doritos

I need you to fully understand this phenomenon.

It comes from the gas station, which we all know is the best place to buy quality food here in 'Merica.

Loaded Doritos in Box

It's deep fried cheese. Because, cheese.

It's deep fried cheese covered in crushed up chip crumbs.

Inside a Loaded Dorito

Not just any crushed up chip crumbs, but Nacho Cheese Dorito crumbs.

Do you get it yet?

The. Most. American. Food. Ever.

Closeup of 7-Eleven Loaded Dorito Bite

Go on, call up your cardiologist and order a batch of these Loaded Dorito Bites. While we're at it, why not supersize your order with a large fry and beergarita? Because this is America and we can.

Honestly, these things were pretty good. Because, yaknow, cheese. And Doritos. And cheese. They were a little skimpy on overall Doritoness, but other than that, a pretty tasty example of all that fried cheese can be.

Regular Dorito Side-by-Side with Loaded Dorito

These come in packages of four for $2, and other than their blatant lack of Dorito Dust, they're pretty alright.

Fingers Covered in Barely-There Dorito Dust

Tell me, what's the last thing you ate from the gas station? Was it deep fried cheese? Please tell me it was deep fried cheese. I like cheese.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Chipotle Loves Vegetarians: Sofritas Burrito Bowl Review

Dudes, this bag makes me happy.

Chipotle Bag with George Saunders quote about free food

Not just because it's always a good read, but also because it also holds the secrets of the universe and salsa.

Well, okay, maybe not the secrets of the universe, but definitely salsa. Always salsa. Don't even try to go to Chipotle and not get salsa, because that is not okay. (Unless you're going to Chipotle to get guacamole, in which case it's probably okay. I wouldn't know because avocados kind of freak me out a little bit.)

Cup of Fresh Pico De Gallo and a Bag of Chipotle's Earth Shatteringly Delicious Tortilla Chips

Recently Chipotle released a new vegetarian/vegan option they have confusingly titled "Sofritas." I have no freaking idea what "sofritas" means. Based on my extensive first-hand research it might mean "tofu" or it might mean "nuggets of deliciousness." Either way, they're absolutely amazing and you should eat them, like, ASAP.

Chipotle Sofritas Burrito Bowl with Lettuce, Cheese, Fajita Veggies, Brown Rice, and Green Tomatilla Salsa

I have to admit, I went into this whole sofritas thing pretty nervous. I am not a trusting vegetarian, thanks to accidentally consuming some chicken sneakily concealed in a meat-free pasta dish a couple of years ago, so downing my first bite of this "mystery meat" was slightly nerve-wracking. After that, though, it was awesome.

I used to get the all-veggie (and cheese and rice) burrito bowl from Chipotle, which was awesome, but as one can imagine, it can be difficult to get excited about a bowl full of vegetables. Now that the sofritas bowl exists, I can be excited about squished up soybeans! Yay! (I'm pretty sure it's soybeans.....I'm pretty sure it's tofu.....I really hope it's tofu.....)

Chipotle's New Vegan / Vegetarian Sofritas Option Close Up

The sofritas filling has definitely blown me away, and it may have won Chipotle my number-one vegetarian-friendly fast-food-joint award. I feel like I need to do more research before I hand out such an honor. Yes, definitely. Much more research. Three sofritas burritos please!

Chipotle Vegetarian Burrito Bowl, Chips, Pico De Gallo, and Nantucket Nectars Pomegranate Cherry Juice

What about you? Have you tried Chipotle's sofritas? Would you try Chipotle's sofritas even though it's "icky vegetarian food"? What's your favorite thing to get at Chipotle? Talk to me in the comments!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Embrace Your Inner Redneck with Budweiser's Beergaritas

All across America there are small communities that gladly welcome toilet bowl flower pots, soda bottle bird feeders, and soup can windchimes. They pass their time watching Nascar and yelling at their cousin-brothers to skooch the house back onto the cinderblocks before the next twister comes through. These communities are called trailer parks, and stretching out across the nation you'll find them happily populated by women whose beauty routine consists of throwing some rollers in their hair and lighting a cigarette, men whose Tweetie Bird tattoos span across their enormous hairy bellies, and kids everywhere chasing down squirrels to eat for dinner.

Luckily, Budweiser has given us suburbians and city folk the opportunity to become Trailer Trash too, thanks to their new Beergaritas. Go ahead, take off your bra, black out a tooth, and pop open one of these refreshing redneck beverages.

This fine selection includes not only the classic lime-flavored Beergarita, but also a Straw-ber-rita, a Raz-ber-rita, and a Mang-o-rita.

These are intended to be consumed, in true trailer park fashion, straight from the can with a baby on your hip. If you don't have a baby, try borrowing one from Junior and his gf next door. If you can't find a teenager with a baby, you'll just have to make do with a tube top and some bigass earrings.

If you're trying to trick your classy friends into inadvertently embracing your inner West Virginian ways, pour these over ice and serve them with a slice of lime. Your guests will have no idea they're about to be on Cops for the semi-illegal weed farm out back, and you'll be able to enjoy the steamy summer nights with a Bud Light in hand, just as God intended.

Now, I gotta tell ya, I thought the Mang-o-Rita was as repulsive as flat beer, and I'm fairly confident the Lime-a-Rita was just a regular Bud Light Lime, but luckily the Straw-ber-Rita and Raz-ber-Rita were relatively tolerable. You know, if you like beer in your margaritas.

These just might make you fill up the kiddie pool and soak your toes for a bit while you enjoy the glow of the icicle lights you never bothered to take down. Plus! You can save the multicolored can tabs to make some nifty jewelry for your Mee-Maw. Ain't that somethin!

While we've still got a good six weeks or so before the kiddos head back to the third grade (again), get your mitts on one of these beergaritas, let your confederate flag fly (you racist bastard) and enjoy summer in the trailerhood.

P.S. If your beergarita doesn't look like this by the end of the night, you did it wrong.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Fire Roasted Corn and Sloppy Joe Potato Chips

The other day I was wandering through my backyard corn field, surveying the hail damage, when I caught glimpse of a sliver of foil gleaming in the sun. Stepping closer, I scratched my head. It couldn't be. But there it was. Nestled among the stalks, a bag of Fire Roasted Sweet Corn chips had sprouted.

Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Potato Chips in a Corn Field

I plucked the bag from its place in the garden and battled my way past the pumpkin plants to take it inside. Still as unbelievable as could be, the bag sat seductively on the kitchen counter.

Bag of Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Chips in Garden

I slowly tore it open and inhaled its aroma. The sweetness drew me in even closer.

Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Chips Spilling from Bag

The first taste washed over me with a butter-soaked sweet and salty flavor, finished ever-so-slightly with a dash of pepper.

Herr's Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Flavored Potato Chips Closeup

We happily polished off most of the bag and planted the last chip in hopes of growing another bag of these peculiar snacks.

Fire Roasted Sweet Corn Chip Being Planted in Garden

On an entirely unrelated note, Herr's has recently released a line of summer-inspired potato chips, which includes a Sloppy Joe flavor.

Bag of Herr's Sloppy Joe Chips

They were not as delectable as one would have hoped, lacking that sweet-and-spicy Manwich flavor required for a true sloppy joe experience, but they were alright. I'd say they're very similar to a crinkle-cut barbeque chip.

Herr's Sloppy Joe Potato Chips Spilling from Bag

What chips did you serve up for the Fourth? Did they taste like dirty socks? Let me know in the comments!

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Brand Wars: Sprite vs. Sierra Mist vs. 7UP

In case you don't remember, last year we pitted Pepsi against Coke in the very first Brand War of all time. Pepsi won. Coca-Cola has since called for a rematch and today we will be blindly testing Sprite, Sierra Mist, and 7UP to see which refreshing citrus beverage takes home the gold.

Instead of hemming and hawing (which, by the way, is a term now in my vocabulary, thanks to my new job in West Virginia) I'm just going to jump right in.

There is no difference between Sierra Mist and Sprite. Like, none. At all. Whatsoever. I think if you'd blindfolded me and made me try them both I wouldn't have even known they were different. Not even a little bit.

7UP, on the other hand, was full of all kinds of weirdness. First of all, it doesn't claim to be "lemon-lime soda" like the others. It doesn't claim a citrus flavor or even a fruity finish. It just says it's "crisp" and "refreshing," which is super helpful considering all those sodas on the market that advertise themselves as "flat" and "icky."

We couldn't quite put our finger on what was wrong with 7UP, just that it was gross and that we didn't like it.

Moving on, we polished off a good amount of Sierra Mist and Sprite trying to come up with some grand revelation that would prove a true winner of the beverage game.

There wasn't one.

All I can tell you for sure is that the Sprite bubbles were bigger than the Sierra Mist bubbles, and really, I've never heard of anybody buying soda based on bubble size, so I'm pretty sure that's useless information.

Since there was no apparent winner based on flavor, we turned to nutrition labels to solve our dilemma. As it turns out, Sierra Mist registers lower sodium and lower carbs than Sprite, plus it's made with real sugar. No, seriously, like, REAL sugar. You know, that white sandy stuff we used before we discovered we could squeeze health hazards out of corn and use that to sweeten shit. Despite it's lack of a unique flavor, Sierra Mist obviously wins for its less menacing list of ingredients.

Pepsi: 2, Coke 0.

What's your favorite soft drink?

Monday, June 30, 2014

Giant Bakery Style Chocolate Chip Cookies

If you don't follow me on Twitter then you are an incredibly lame individual and we can't be friends. Also, if you don't follow me on Twitter you probably don't know I got a new day job. A new day job 45 minutes away from home that required me to work an 11-hour shift on Sunday.

Since you have none of that information, you will probably not understand why I woke up this morning all, "oh, crap, it's Monday, I gotta blog!" Please, don't be offended. I love to blog. Blogging is great, but sometimes unprepared people like me approach things a little, well....unprepared. Which is why I decided at, oh, I don't know, like, 10am this morning that I would bake you my world famous secret recipe chocolate chip cookies.

That plan worked out great until I opened the fridge and remembered I ate all my chocolate chips. In a speedy Plan B, I pulled out the crappy semi-sweet chocolate chips and decided to make mammothly monster-sized cookies instead.

Ta da!

Okay, so they're not as mammothly monster-sized as they could have been, but they're still pretty darn big. Consider yourself warned. I cannot be held responsible if you fall into a diabetic coma halfway through one of these cookies. I also cannot be held responsible for any damage incurred from you bouncing off the walls during your sugar high.

What You Need:
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 cup melted butter
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 tbs vanilla
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1 1/2 cups chocolate chips

 What You Do:
1. Sift together your flour and baking soda and salt. Set it aside.

2. In a big bowl, beat together the melted butter, brown sugar, and white sugar. It might look a little funny. That's okay.

3. Mix in the vanilla and eggs.

4. Mix the flour and stuff into the butter and stuff.

5. Stir in the chocolate chips.

6. Scoop the dough out into slightly-bigger-than-a-ping-pong-ball-sized lumps and drop them onto a cookie sheet covered in parchment paper. (By the way, has anybody else noticed that ping pong balls can now be purchased in the booze aisle at the grocery store? Also, has anybody else ever thought about how hilarious the term "ping pong" is? It's hilarious. You should think about it more.)

7. Bake at 325 for 15-17 minutes, depending on how gooey you like your cookies.

8. Take them out and let them cool on the cookie sheet for a minute or two until they're mostly solid and then move them to a cooling rack.

Despite the fact that these pictures are awesome (duh), I feel the need to explain to you that these cookies, while not as awesome as my world famous secret recipe cookies (which, spoiler alert, are almost exactly like these ones),  are incredibly incredible. They are the cookie equivalent of a Kraft Singles grilled cheese sandwich--go ahead, rip it in half and watch the chocolate ooze out. You know you want to.

View the original recipe here.