Thursday, September 18, 2014

Caramel Apple Sugar Babies: The Most Confusing Candy on Earth


Caramel Apple Sugar Babies have a lot going on. At first glance, the box appears to be advertizing radioactive mouse turds. Or possibly poorly-illustrated olives.


Upon spilling out the candies for more thorough examination, they move from being radioactive mouse turds to being radioactive lima beans. This is only slightly less unnerving, because, yaknow, it's candy lima beans.


The first taste, however, removes all implications of toxic waste. At the beginning, these suckers are sour as all heck. Once you recover from the sour shock and continue to work your way through the chewy candy coating, a wave of buttery smooth caramel washes over your taste buds. It's about this time that you begin to realize this is a supremely awesome candy. And then you eat another one and experience the slap-in-the-face sour apple and soothing sweetness of the caramel all over again. And then again. And then again.


These became quite difficult to photograph, because each time I pressed the shutter, I popped another one (or two or five) into my mouth. My roommate tried to steal them from me. I threatened to flatten him with my hair straightener.

Sugar Baby thieves successfully thwarted, I took the rest of the box inside, snuggled up in a blanket, and watched cartoons.

Now, I will give you this heads-up: DO NOT eat these before a dentist appointment. They will stick to your teeth and your dentist will have to pry them off and they will undoubtedly be flung all over the room and will adhere themselves stealthily to the ceiling to one day drop on the face of an unsuspecting patient. Don't be the guy whose candy winds up in somebody else's nose. Achieve your sugar high responsibly.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Apple Cider Doughnuts (no, I'm not sharing)

Guys, these are apple cider doughnuts.


They are amazing. They make the world spin. They might even be better than pumpkin faces.

No, I'm just kidding, nothing is better than pumpkin faces.

But these are pretty close.


After school Thursday (aced my math test, by the way), my roommate and I climbed up in the pickup truck and drove out the winding roads to our favorite farmer's market. Because apparently we're country folk now.


When we walked into the market, I beelined for the apple cider doughnuts. There were four dozen left, so we decided to wander around a little bit and grab them on our way out. When we walked past the table again ten minutes later, half of them were gone. No joke.


We started eating the doughnuts the second we got home. And then we ate some fresh bread, apple jelly, and goat cheese. And then some more apple cider doughnuts, because you can't just eat one apple cider doughnut. It's sacrilegious.


I highly, highly, highly recommend apple cider doughnuts. If you ever see them in the wild, be sure to pounce on them before they get away.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Brach's Crazy Candy Corn Review

Remember last year when we decided that things that taste like candy corn are very bad? This is totally different. This is candy corn that tastes like things. Completely new concept.


This year Brach's has unveiled four different kinds of crazy candy corn: Pumpkin Spice (of course), Caramel, S'mores, and Caramel Macchiato. All of these flavors proclaim they are "made with real honey," which seems a little weird to me since I don't know many people who make a habit of squirting honey into their pumpkin spice lattes. But hey, what do I know?

A lot. I know a lot.


These things are terrible. Like, really bad. Not quite as bad as candy corn M&Ms, but still, pretty disgusting.


The pumpkin spice candy corn, which I was stupid enough to try first (after being stupid enough to buy them, which is pretty damn stupid), tasted like a cheap candle. Go ahead, yank off a chunk of wax from a dollar store "Autumn Breeze" candle and it'll taste exactly like this. Actually, it'll probably taste better, since that won't have "real honey" in it.


Moving on to Test Subject B, I was excited to discover that they really did smell like s'mores. Brach's got the chocolate-marshmallow-graham-cracker-campfire scent down pat. They did not, however, figure out how to make these taste like s'mores. The honey was more prominent in these, but it was honey mixed with really weird cheapass chocolate and maybe a little liquid smoke. They did not taste like s'mores.

Next up we have the caramel flavored candy corn.


Here's my first beef about caramel flavored candy corn: you can't call it caramel corn. There's already caramel corn (and it's a hell of a lot better than this caramel corn), so calling this stuff caramel corn is confusing. Also, why didn't they make caramel corn candy corn? Because that would have been awesome.


The caramel candy corn was not entirely repulsive. It was crazy sweet and super buttery, but somehow the sugar and butter never really got together and turned into caramel. They were just both....there. Oh, yeah, and so was the honey. There was a lot of freaking honey in this stuff. Like, a lot of freaking honey. I don't have anything against honey, but don't put honey in my caramel. That's indecent.


Finally, we have caramel macchiato candy corn, which is completely different from the caramel candy corn. Probably because you can't taste the butter. Or honey. Or corn. (Side note: how the heck did we decide this stuff was corn???? It doesn't look like corn to me. Corn looks like this.) Want to know what this stuff does taste like? Coffee. Really, really, really sweet coffee. Not coffee with caramel in it, not coffee with honey in it, just coffee with forty-seven sugar packets in it. (Will someone please go put forty-seven sugar packets in some coffee and let me know if it tastes like this? Thanks.)

You know, I bet if Brach's could get a Starbucks deal for the caramel macchiato corn, it'd become the next craze. But since that ship seems to have sailed (due to the obvious lack of a Starbucks logo on the front of the bag), I think these will probably flop just like the rest of them.


Do you like candy corn? Do you like crazy candy corn? What flavor do you think they should try next year?

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Ben & Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream

I do not EVER want to be the guy who bashes Ben & Jerry's. I'm pretty sure that guy gets wiped out by the Golden Lightning Bolt of Doom, and I do not have a death wish. That being said, when I saw pumpkin cheesecake ice cream at the grocery store, my first thought was "ewwww." My second thought was, "I've gotta try that!"

Pint of Ben & Jerry's Limited Edition Pumpkin Cheesecake Flavored Ice Cream

I took the pint home, but I stared at it warily. Ben and Jerry are masterminds, sure, but pumpkin cheesecake ice cream? Really? It's ground-up gourd mixed into some sour cream and popped into the freezer. That can't possibly be good, especially when it's competing against wonders like Half Baked and Phish Food.

Freshly opened pint of Ben & Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream

I opened the container and stared down at the off-white blob. There was no molten brownie swirl. No chunks of chocolate chip cookie dough. No marshmallow creme. What kind of sorry excuse was this for Ben & Jerry's ice cream? Unimpressed, I sniffed at it. No signs of pumpkin poison detected, I put a spoonful in my mouth and let it melt over my tongue.

Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream and Homegrown Pumpkins

That was about when my mind exploded.

The subtle pumpkin flavor washed over me first, like the lingering flavor of pumpkin pie after Thanksgiving dinner. The gentle spiciness warmed up the otherwise chilly treat and elevated it to levels worthy of the finest pastry kitchen. The tang of the cheesecake balanced out the sweetness of the cream, and the graham cracker crumbles offered an element of texture to the otherwise smooth dessert.

Eating Ben and Jerry's Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream

I might not be ready to hop aboard the pumpkin-spice-everything train, but I am confident in saying this ice cream is perfect. And I mean absolutely flawless. There is nothing about this ice cream I would change. Is it my favorite Ben & Jerry's creation? No, probably not. But I can't help but fall a little deeper in love with it after each spoonful of its impeccable flavor.

Closeup of Pumpkin Cheesecake Ice Cream with Spoon

Have you tried pumpkin cheesecake ice cream? If you haven't, you should. It's amazing.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Pumpkin Faces!

Guys! Guys! It's fall! How do I know? Because of these:


Pumpkin Faces!

Eeeee!


I love, love LOVE these! I'm pretty sure I squealed right there in the middle of Walmart when I saw them.


And no, I don't care that it's only been September for three and half minutes; it's fall, dammit, and I'm going to enjoy every single second of it and eat all the pumpkin faces I possibly can. When it's time for breakfast, I'll have a pumpkin face. When it's time for a post-breakfast snack, I'll have a pumpkin face. Lunch? Yep, you guessed it: pumpkin face.


These things are perfect. They're soft and squishy and spicy and pumpkiny all at once. If you don't think that's utopian, clearly you've never had a pumpkin face.


Now, this whole standing-in-Walmart-squealing-over-the-pumpkin-faces thing has inspired a September blog series: fall food. Yeah, I know, super original. Lack of originality aside, this month is going to be all about fall. Stay tuned for early Halloween candy reviews, some awesome glassware, and maybe just maybe my first impression of the pumpkin spice latte. If you have any recommendations, leave a comment or shoot me an email!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

I did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge!

Yesterday my roommate and my little brother decided to tag me for the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. They are big meanies, but here's the videographic evidence that I completed the Ice Bucket Challenge.


I'm tagging my friend Mosby (TheFantasticIan), Devon Battilega (DevonDoesGames), and my mother (spiffy URL nonexistent).

If you'd like to get in on the cold, wet fun, consider yourself tagged! To take the challenge, film yourself (or a friend) dumping a bucket of icy cold water over your head and film it for all the world to see. If that isn't quite your style, feel free to make a donation to the ALS Association to help them create a world without ALS.

P.S. I didn't know what ALS was so I looked it up. ALS stands for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. It is a degenerative nerve disorder that affects approximately 30,000 Americans.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Chips and Buttermilk and Why I Will Be Homeless

My roommate thinks I'm crazy. And yeah, okay, maybe sometimes that's a little bit true. Maybe. Sometimes. A little. But I am not nearly as crazy as he thinks I am. In fact, I think he's crazy because he doesn't completely love one of my favorite foods.

Now, you guys now I love sour cream. And what's better than sour cream? Well....cheese. But no, that's not what we're talking about today. We're talking about sour cream and onion potato chips.


And what makes sour cream and onion potato chips even more delicious?

Buttermilk.


No, really! Stay with me here!

This is the food of the gods.

It is creamy, salty, tangy, oniony perfection in a little green bowl.


I don't understand why this is not yet considered an international delicacy.

You can dip them one-by-one and savor the unique combination of flavors....


....or you can dump a whole pile in there and turn it into a makeshift breakfast cereal. (Note: I did not eat this for breakfast. Not at all. I would never do that. Uh-uh. Not me.)


Every time I do this my roommate gags and tries to leave the room. I usually follow him, waving my bowl around, trying to get him to taste it. Because I'm thoughtful like that. So far I haven't been successful, but I am convinced that one day I will make this delightful snack worldwide wonder. And then even my roommate will see this as the glorious snack it is. Yaknow.....if he doesn't throw me out first.


P.S. This is super healthy and low-fat, so clearly, it's the best food ever.